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A friend in need, always finds your new phone number. A little inaccuracy saves a lot of explanation. A man without a woman is like a neck without pain. A seminar on Time Travel will be held 2 weeks ago. A single fact can spoil a good argument. After all is said and done, more is said than done. All I want to know is: WHY ME? All answers questioned here. Always forgive your enemies. They HATE that! Another brilyunt mind diztroyed by publik edukashn. Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Ask not what your computer can do for you... Assume the worst, you'll never be disappointed. Better to be thought stupid than to speak and confirm it. Can you still know nothing, if you don't know anything? Coffin for sale. Lifetime guarantee. Computer widow: Family goes broke watching Dad have fun. Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. Diplomacy: the art of letting someone else have your way. Do not disturb... Already disturbed enough! Do the impossible and your boss will add it to your duties. Don't get even – get odd. Don't let your superiors know you're superior to them. Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it! Don't question authority, it doesn't know either. Don't steal. The government hates competition. Drive no faster than your guardian angel can fly. Equal opportunity annoyer... Every time I have all the answers, they change questions! Excommunicated: On vacation without a computer. Expenditures rise to meet income. Experience – knowing all the things you shouldn't do. Extra credit: Define the universe and give three examples. Fer sell cheep: IBM spel chekker. Wurks grate. Fighting for peace is like screaming for quiet. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. Get 3 free when U buy 3 at the 1/2-dozen price! Give me patience! RIGHT NOW! God dislikes money – look who he gives it to. He said: Smile, things could be worse! I did! They were! He who laughs last thinks slowest! Hello this is 911, If you're reporting a murder, press 1... Help! I'm talking, and I can't shut up! How can I be out of money if I still have these checks? How can I fail when I have no purpose? How can I miss you if you won't go away? How come pizza gets to your house faster than the police? How do they get teflon to stick to the pans? I am going crazy, wanna come along? I believe in free will – my religion says I have no choice. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. I came... I saw... I had NO idea what was going on... I can't remember if I used to know that. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. I dont nead no speling cheker! I had my head examined. They didn't find ANYTHING! I have a vitally important role serving as a bad example. I have one nerve left and you're getting on it... I may not be perfect, but I am all I got! I never liked you, and I always will. I remember when Saturns were rockets, not cars. I think what you believe I said is not what I meant. I think, there for I am... so what's your excuse? I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong... I used to be disgusted, but now I try to be amused. I want to be a modirater when I grow up. I wish I was more like I think I am. I would if I could but I can't so I won't. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. I'm NOT paranoid. Which of my enemies said I was? I'm a disfunctional husband of a BBS widow. I'm an analog man in a digital world. I'm busy now. Do you mind if I ignore you later? I'm in a phone booth at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk. I'm much too young to feel this damned old! I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. If all the world's a stage I sure got lousy seats... If everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. If the good die young, then I'm gonna live forever. If thine enemy offend thee, giveth his child a drum. If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you! If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. If you think women aren't explosive, drop one sometime. Illiterate? Write for FREE HELP! Insanity is hereditary – you get it from your children. It takes years to get used to how old you are. It's hard to soar with Eagles when surrounded by Turkeys! It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. Junk: stuff we throw away... Stuff: junk we keep... Just a fake guitar player in the Monkees of life. Just a possum on the information superhighway... Just an amoeba in the Petri dish of life... Just when I make ends meet, someone moves one end. Let's face it, I'm right and you're not convinced! Life is complex: It consists of real and imaginary parts. Like I said before, I don't repeat myself! Man with ice cubes wishes to meet woman with Scotch. Marriage: It's not only a word, but a sentence! Marriage: begging for money for upgrades. Math illiteracy affects eight of every five people. Me a skeptic? I trust you have proof. Meetings will continue until productivity improves. Modern education – there are no wrong answers! Mondays are the potholes in the road of life. Money can't buy happiness, but allows a choice of misery. Money doesn't come easy – that's the way it goes! Most Wanted? Why not keep them when they're photographed? My HMO assigned me to Dr. Kevorkian. My computer has a nut loose on the keyboard. My mind's made up. Don't confuse me with the facts. My moral standing is lying down. Name me one nation that taxed itself into prosperity. Never appeal to his better nature. He may not have one. Never argue with a fool – people might not know the difference. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder. Never itch for anything you aren't willing to scratch for. Never let people drive you crazy when it's within walking distance. Never mind the facts – I know what I know! Never mind what road we're on... keep your eyes on the carrot! Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. No matter which side of the door the cat or dog is on, it's the wrong side. No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. No wanna work. Wanna bang on keyboard. No you can't call 911 NOW, I'm downloading my mail! Oh yea? If you're so smart, why don't I understand you? On what conclusion do you base your facts? Once, I thought I was wrong – but I was mistaken. Operator!.. Trace this call and tell me where I am. Our biggest problem is apathy – but who cares? Pardon our dust... nonsense under construction. Please let me know if you did not receive this. Press ENTER once to quit or twice to save changes. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. Psychic Convention cancelled due to unforeseen problems. Recent studies show that recent studies are meaningless. Remember that you are special, just like everyone else. Secrecy at my job prevents me from knowing what I do. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Send $50 and I'll double your IQ or no money back! She kept saying I didn't listen to her, or something. Since I've used all of my sick days, I'm calling in dead. So tell us, does it hurt much to be that stupid? Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, others gargle. Sometimes I wish I could get a mirror with a better view. Stop the world! I want to get off! Success is just a matter of luck. Ask any failure. Suicide Hotline... Please hold for the next available operator... Sure I can help you out, which way did you come in? Surgeon General has determined that life causes death. Tagline being sued by Lotus for look and feel violation. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway. Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand. Teaching a pig to sing wastes your time and annoys the pig. Team effort: A lot of people doing what I say. Thank you for not breathing while I smoke. The buck doesn't even slow down here! The current death rate? One per person, of course. The future isn't what it used to be... The mailman bringeth... The trashman taketh away! The more things change, the more they stay insane. The only successful substitute for brains: Silence! The plural of spouse is spice. The road to success is always under construction. The scenery only changes for the lead dog. The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions. There's at least one fool in every married couple. Thesaurus: ancient reptile with a great vocabulary. This is NOT Burger King. You do not get it YOUR way. To Be and Not To Be – Zen Shakespeare. To err is human; to blame it on someone else is politics. Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Tomorrow has been cancelled until further notice. Too much month at the end of the money. Too soon old. Too late smart. Tried to play my shoehorn... all I got was footnotes! Try to look unimportant; the bad guys may be low on ammo. Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. Vegetarians eat vegetables. Beware of humanitarians! Visit your money this year: Vacation in Washington, D.C. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. We die only once, and for such a long time. We had a meeting of the minds but yours didn't show up. We have standards and expect you not to exceed them. We should go metric every inch of the way! We're lost, but we're making good time. Welcome to the jungle. Please observe our laws. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? What is the sound of one modem connecting? When Mozart was my age, he was dead. When all else fails... take a nap. When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. Where the heck is the ANY key? Who is this GENERAL FAILURE and WHY is he reading MY disk? Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway? Writing to Washington won't help – he's dead! Yesterday's flower children are today's blooming idiots. You dialed an imaginary number. Turn the phone 90 degrees and retry. You don't need to be a cannibal to be fed up with people. You're growing old when your knees buckle and your belt won't. Your call will be answered in the order it was ignored. Zen order: Make me none with everything... ZenCrafters – Total Enlightenment in about an hour. |